DOS Beer:
Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to read the directions carefully before
opening the can. Originally only came in an 8 ounce can, but now comes in a 16 ounce can. However,
the can is divided into 8 compartments of 2 ounces each, which have to be accessed separately.
Soon to be discontinued, although a lot of people are going to keep drinking it after it's no
longer available.
Mac Beer:
At first, came only a 16 ounce can, but now comes in a 32 ounce can. Considered by many to be a
"light" beer. All the cans look identical. When you take one from the fridge, it opens itself.
The ingredients list is not on the can. If you call to ask about the ingredients, you are told
that "you don't need to know." A notice on the side reminds you to drag your empties to the
trashcan.
Windows 3.1 Beer:
The world's most popular. Comes in a 16 ounce can that looks a lot like Mac Beer's. Requires that
you already own a DOS Beer. Claims that it allows you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously,
but in reality you can only drink a few of them, very slowly, especially slowly if you are
drinking the Windows Beer at the same time. Sometimes, for apparently no reason, a can of Windows
Beer will explode when you open it.
OS/2 Beer:
Comes in a 32 ounce can. Does allow you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously. Allows you to
drink Windows 3.1 Beer simultaneously too, but somewhat slower. Advertises that its cans won't
explode when you open them, even if you shake them up. You never really see anyone drinking
OS/2 Beer, but the manufacturer (International Beer Manufacturing) claims that 9 million six-packs
have been sold.
Windows 95 Beer:
A lot of people have taste-tested it and claim it's wonderful. The can looks a lot like Mac
Beer's can, but tastes more like Windows 3.1 Beer. It comes in 32 ounce cans, but when you look
inside, the cans only have 16 ounces of beer in them. Most people will probably keep drinking
Windows 3.1 Beer until their friends try Windows 95 Beer and say they like it. The ingredients
list, when you look at the small print, has some of the same ingredients that come in DOS beer,
even though the manufacturer claims that this is an entirely new brew.
Windows NT Beer:
Comes in 32 ounce cans, but you can only buy it by the truckload. This causes most people to have
to go out and buy bigger refrigerators. The can looks just like Windows 3.1 Beer's, but the
company promises to change the can to look just like Windows 95 Beer. Touted as an "industrial
strength" beer,and suggested only for use in bars.
AmigaDOS Beer:
The company has gone out of business, but their recipe has been picked up
by some weird German company, so now this beer will be an import. This beer never really sold
very well because the original manufacturer didn't understand marketing. Like Unix Beer, AmigaDOS
Beer fans are an extremely loyal and loud group. It originally came in a 16 ounce can, but now
comes in 32 ounce cans too. When this can was originally introduced, it appeared flashy and
colorful, but the design hasn't changed much over the years, so it appears dated now. Critics of
this beer claim that it is only meant for watching TV anyway.
Unix Beer:
Comes in several different brands, in cans ranging from 8 ounce to 64 ounce Drinkers of Unix Beer
display fierce brand loyalty, even though they claim that all the different brands taste almost
identical. Sometimes the pop-tops break off when you try to open them, so you have to have your
own can opener around for those occasions, in which case you either need a complete set of
instructions, or a friend who has been drinking Unix Beer for several years.
VMS Beer:
Requires minimal user interaction, except for popping the top and sipping. However cans have been
known on occasion to explode, or contain extremely un-beer-like contents. Best drunk in high
pressure development environments. When you call the manufacturer for the list of ingredients,
you're told that is proprietary and referred to an unknown listing in the manuals published by
the FDA. Rumors are that this was once listed in the Physicians' Desk Reference as a
tranquilizer, but no one can claim to have actually seen it.
- Author Unknown