This is the story of a different kind. No melting CPU's,
no screaming disc drives, just the kind of psychological
torture that scars a man for life.
I had a 9:00 meeting with my HP sales rep. I needed to
buy an entire new series 70--the works. He said it would
take about an hour. Three hours later, we'd barely gotten
the datacomm hardware down on paper, so he invited me
downstairs for lunch.
This was my first experience in an HP cafeteria. Above
the service counter was a menu which began ...
MMUs (Main Menu Units)
0001A Burger. Includes sesame-seed bun.
Must order condiments 00110A separately
001 Deletes seeds.
002 Expands burger to two patties.
00020A Double cheeseburger, preconfigured. Includes
cheese, bun and condiments.
001 Add-on bacon.
002 Delete second patty.
003 Replaces second patty with extra cheese.
00021A Burger Upgrade to Double Cheeseburger
001 From Single Burger.
002 From Double Burger.
003 Return credit for bun.
00220A Burger Bundle.
(Includes 1 each of 00010A, 00210A and 00310A)
001 Substitute root beer 00311A for cola 00310A.
My eyes glazed over. I asked for a burger and a root beer.
The waitress looked at me like I was an alien.
"How would you like to order that, sir?" "Quickly, if
possible. Can't I just order a sandwich and a drink?"
"No sir. All our service is menu driven. Now what would
you like?" I scanned the menu. "How big is the 00010
burger?" "The patty is rated at eight bites." "Well, how
about the rest of it?" "I don't have the specs on that,
sir, but I think it's a bit more." "Eight bites is too
small. Give me the Double Burger Upgrade."
My sales rep interrupted. "No, you want the Single Burger
option 002 'expands burger to two patties.' The double
burger upgrade would give you two burgers.
"But you could get return credit on the extra bun," the
waitress chimed in, trying to be helpful, "although it
isn't documented."
I looked around to see if anybody was staring at me. There
was a couple in line behind us. I recognized one of them,
a guy who nearly mowed me down in the parking lot with his
cherry-red '62 Vette. He was talking to some woman who was
waving her arms around and looking very excited.
"What if ... we marketed the bacon cheeseburger with the
vegetable option and without the burger and cheese? It
would be a BLT!"
The woman charged off in the direction of the telephone,
running steeplechases over tables and chairs. My waitress
tried to get my attention again. "Have you decided, sir?"
"Yeah, give me the double burger--excuse me, I mean the
00020A with the option 001. I want everything on it." She
put me down for the Condiment Expansion Kit, which included
mayonnaise, mustard and pickles with a option to substitute
relish.
"Ketchup." I hated to ask. "I want ketchup on that, too."
"That's not a condiment, sir, it's a Tomato Product." My
sales rep butted in again. "Thats not a supported
configuration." "What now?" I kept my voice steady. "Too
juicy. The bun can't handle it." "Look. Forget the ketchup,
just put some lettuce and tomatoes on it."
The waitress backed away from the counter. "I'm sorry, sir,
but thats not supported either, the bun can take it but the
burger won't fit in the box. The sales rep defended himself.
"Just not at first release." "It is being beta-tested, sir."
I checked the overhead screen. Fries, number 000210A, option
110. French, followed by option 120, English. "What the hell
are English Fries?" I turned to the sales rep. "Chips they
call them. We sell a lot of them."
I gave up. "OK, OK just give me a plain vanilla Burger
Bundle." This confused the waitress profoundly. "Sir,
Vanilla as an option is configured only for series 00450
Milkshakes." My sales rep chuckles. "No ma'am, he just
wants a standard 00220A off the shelf." I wondered how
long it had been on the shelf. I didn't ask.
"Very good, sir." The waitress breathed a sigh of relief.
"Your meal is now on order. Now how would you like it
supported?" "Support?" She directed me to the green shaded
area at the bottom of the menu, and I began a litany with
my Sales Rep that I'll never forget.
"Implementation assistance?"
"You get a waiter."
"Implementation analysis?"
"You tell him how hungry you are and he tells you what to
eat."
"Response Center Support?"
"He brings it to your table."
"Extended materials?"
"You get refills."
I gave the waitress my money. She then gave me my check
on three sheets of green-bar paper. I studied it on my
way to the table, and decided it would pass as an emergency
napkin.
Table? My Sales Rep had been bright enough to order us a
table. He hadn't been bright enough to check on a delivery
date. The table waiter slouching in his corner surveyed
the crowded room, looked at me and said, "Two weeks. But
I can get you a stand alone chair by the window right
away."
I handed him the tray. A woman rushed up to me with two
small cups of chili and sauerkraut for a hot dog somebody
else had ordered. The room began to grow dim, my eyesight
faded...
I woke up clutching the water glass at my bedside table.
It was five AM, four hours till my meeting with HP. I
had had a vision, I did what it told me to do. I dialed
my office, and I called in sick.
- Author Unknown